Not Everyone Loves a Parade
After waking up from a cryo-sleep in the movie Aliens, Sergeant Apone crams on his hat, shoves an unlit cigar into his mouth, and dives into a diatribe about how much he loves “The Corps”.
A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm. Every meal’s a banquet! Every paycheck a fortune! Every formation a parade! I love the Corps!
If you’ve ever been in the military, you knew that guy. We ALL knew that guy. No matter how bad the conditions, he or she was always motivated. It could have been real, or it could have been fake, but it was motivation, nonetheless. And sometimes false motivation is better than none at all.
This weekend, specifically on Saturday, there are going to be hundreds of Soldiers that NEED some motivation. Dozens of tanks, fighting vehicles, artillery pieces, aircraft, and formations of Soldiers are going to take part in the 250th Army Birthday celebration parade.
For the spectators, it will probably be pretty cool. Most people have never seen an M1A2 tank up close or heard its turbine engine. Most people have never been close enough to an Apache helicopter to see the pilot or gunner turning their heads. I’m sure, for those spectators, seeing that representation of our Army on its 250th Birthday will be pretty cool.
** Side Note: When did we stop putting green camouflage on Tanks and Bradley’s? I don’t think I’ve ever seen an M1 Abrams or M2 Bradley in plain OD green until now. Desert tan, yes. Plain OD Green, no. I REALLY hope that wasn’t done JUST for the parade, but I fear that’s the reason.
Personally, I hate parades. I don’t care if it is the Rose Parade, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day in New York, a Memorial Day or Veteran’s Day parade, or a high school homecoming parade. To me, they are BOR-ING. I don’t like them in person and like them even less on television. You can bet folding money I won’t spend more than five minutes watching the Army Birthday Parade this weekend, assuming it is going to be on television.
Back to those hundreds, or maybe thousands, of Soldiers participating this weekend. I can promise you, while it is going on…they are going to hate the parade, too. Anyone who has rehearsed and stood in a Division Review, General Officer retirement ceremony, or any other parade will tell you the actual parade is a royal pain in the ass. Many will tell you LONG after the event itself they though it was really cool and maybe even a great memory. But during? Absolute pain in the ass.
This one is no different, and likely an EVEN BIGGER pain in the ass than anything else they’ve ever done. This is about as high profile as it gets. The President is going to be viewing those vehicles and that formation. That means a different level of security, a different level of preparation, and a high-level pucker factor. Let me give you an example.
In 2008, President Bush was the guest speaker at the 82nd Airborne All American Week Division Review. On a normal year, that Division Review required about 7 to 8 hours of rehearsal at different levels spread over two days. On the day of the event, the entire Division reported to work at about 0400 to draw weapons, stand inspection, and get themselves set to march onto Pike Field under the eyes of a few hundred spectators.
That year? The amount of rehearsal time increased to about 10 hours over three days. The Division showed up at 0200 because we ALL (about 6,000 Paratroopers) had to go through metal detectors WITH rifles and machine guns (hilarious) BEFORE we got into formation to march on. By the way, we did the Division Review pretty much every single year back then, in the same way on the same field with little to no change. 80% of us had done it before and probably didn’t NEED that much preparation time, but you know…. The President was going to be there.
Do you know how long that Division Review lasted? An hour. Yes, 6,000 Paratroopers did all that prep and all those rehearsals for a one-hour ceremony. Is that a Soldier’s job? Arguably, yes. Does it suck? Without question. Does everyone involved hate it while it is going on? Absolutely.
This Army Birthday Parade on Saturday is exponentially bigger than that. The audience is bigger. It is a parade NO ONE has done before on a route they likely will not be able to rehearse on. It is going to be on television. It is a massive undertaking that NO ONE will want to screw up so EVERYONE will over-plan. Timelines will be padded beyond belief. If a unit needs to be in place no later than, say, 0500… you can bet they will be there before 0400 and then sit around for hours until they step off. Which means they will wake up at 0200 to shave, dress, and eat BEFORE they have to be an hour early for the 0500 arrival.
If you spent more than a week in the military, you KNOW this is exactly what is going to happen on Saturday morning. I am sure you will sympathize with the Soldiers and the leaders, but you will also chuckle and say, “Glad it ain’t me.”
On top of everything else, this is a President who LOVES the military. No matter what anyone claims about draft dodging, “suckers and losers”, or any other bullshit, I honestly believe President Trump LOVES the military. However, if something is effed-up on Saturday, he won’t hesitate to turn to SECDEF, SECARMY, or the Army Chief of Staff and say, “Who’s in charge of that unit?” or “Why did that vehicle not look perfect?” or “Why was that formation out of step?”
With President Trump, the pucker factor will be high enough, but those other eyes like SECDEF, SECARMY, and every Army leader will ALSO be on them. Everyone in that parade will be afraid of becoming the next meme or post on Army WTF? or Duffleblog or Doctrine Man or countless other accounts on social media. Can you imagine if YOUR unit gets plastered all over social media for being screwed up during this parade? And worse, if it is something YOU are responsible for? Yeah, no thanks.
On top of everything else, and I have to say this, the optics of this ENTIRE PARADE are terrible.
There are concerns about defense spending, the quality of life for Servicemembers, readiness for combat, pay and benefits, and a myriad of other fiscal issues related to defense…. but we are spending millions of dollars on a parade. That alone seems misplaced. Add to it the only other places we ever SEE these types of parades are in places like North Korea, Russia, China, and old regimes under Sadam and Quaddaffi. Plus, there is the fact it happens to fall on President Trump’s Birthday.
It just all LOOKS bad, no matter how honest the intention is to celebrate 250 years of faithful and honorable service by our Army to this nation. You can agree with that or not. It’s my opinion.
Regardless of the optics and how cool it will look to everyone in attendance and watching on television, I can PROMISE you it is going to royally suck for the Soldiers involved. Did I mention it will likely take days to recover and return all that equipment and all those Soldiers BACK to their home bases AFTER the parade is over? Yeah. Add that to the list of why this will suck.
I don’t envy them at all. Not even a little. So, if you happen to tune in on Saturday and celebrate the 250th Birthday of the United States Army, remember those Soldiers out there. Think about everything that happened BEFORE the parade and everything that will still have to happen AFTER the parade.
You’ll hopefully realize that Not Everyone Loves a Parade.