The Gift of Saying No
Since I retired about four and half years ago, I’ve gotten lots of recommendations on what I should do with my life. Back then, it was from family and friends in close proximity. Some of those were coming from a place of concern and encouragement. They also came from varying degrees of “knowing” me.
Since I announced the release of Keep Moving, Keep Shooting and I started blogging, the circle of people giving me advice has expanded. The range of suggestions has also expanded. The depth that people “know” me is not as deep as it was a few years ago. Even back then, it wasn’t as deep as people perceived.
I get recommendations of all kinds. Many are encouraging. There are plenty of “you should run for office” or “have you thought about law school?” or “you should write more” and even “you should be on television”. Some are encouraging in a different way. “You should go fuck yourself” and “you should really stop offering your opinion” or “you should seek therapy” and the always helpful “you should crawl in a hole because no one cares”.
Have I mentioned that people are awesome AND suck at the same time?
I’ve been asked to be on projects. I’ve been asked to be a guest on podcasts, live streams, and radio shows. I’ve been asked to write about specific topics. I’ve been asked to work with non-profits. I’ve been asked to work with for-profits. I’ve been asked to do a lot of things.
I’ve also gotten a lot of specific suggestions and even some requests. My buddy Elsa Kurt is a great example of opportunity and timing. I asked if she would be willing to have me on as a guest for a second time…she countered with offering me the opportunity to co-host her podcast. I’ve gotten other offers. Some have worked out, others haven’t. Maybe the timing wasn’t right or the opportunity didn’t fit me. I’ve never taken one of those and tossed it away without thinking deeply about it. In many cases, I’ve even tried to fit it into an already busy life and it just didn’t work out.
What I noticed was everyone had a suggestion they believed was in my best interest, or in theirs. I never took anything from it. I never believed there was malice or blatant selfishness in what they were suggesting. Well, other than the “go fuck yourself” crowd.
What I almost never heard, save for a select few, was “you should do what makes you happy” or “do what fits best into your life” or “you’d be great at that, but you shouldn’t do it because you’ll be miserable”.
My problem is I’ve never shied away from a challenge. I hate saying “no”. Only after much personal investment and sacrifice, or being completely overwhelmed, have I backed away from things. At least until recently. I am learning to say “no” more often.
It’s not a secret that I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I don’t hide it. It is part of my life that is never going away. It’s been almost eight years since my diagnosis and I still struggle to do what is in my own best interest on a daily basis. I don’t say “no” enough, but I am learning to and it helps.
A couple of weeks ago, I took a selfie with my son. We were out for the afternoon doing something that we both love and we love doing together; hunting pheasants. I sent the picture to a few people. My best friend came back and said “This is a great picture. I haven’t seen peace in your eyes like that in a couple of decades.” That was my best friend. It hit home. He was right. It’s because I am saying “no” more often. I am feeling better. I am taking care of myself.
In this season, that isn’t an easy thing to do. We all want to make others happy. It’s part of the holiday spirit. We give each other gifts to spread joy. But, here is my recommendation for the season…
Give yourself the Gift of Saying No.